This file is one of the Wolfstone archives of the Halloween mailing lists. You can
find out more, and reach the entire collection here:
http://www.pobox.com/~wolfstone/_r/HalloweenArchive.html
This particular archive deals with "humor" topics. This includes:
o jokes
o funny routines and/or scripts
o clever tag-lines that are haunt-related
Earlier ones omit the header with name and date. (sorry!)
- - - - -
Skeleton =
Jokes
- - - - -
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped
off.
- - - - -
These 3 vampires go into a bar
The first vampire orders blood
The 2nd vampire orders blood
The 3rd vampire orders plasma
So the bartender turns to them and says
"ok, lets make sure I've got this striate, you want 2 bloods and a blood light" :-}
- - - - -
"One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a
wooden stake."
- - - - -
Gruesome Ghouls and Grisly Ghosts
Wretched Souls and Cursed Hosts
Vampires Bite and Villains Creep
Demons Scream and Shadows Sleep
Blood Runs Cold in Every Man
Fog Rolls In and Coffins Slam
Mortals Quake and Full Moon Rise
Creatures Haunt and Terrorize
from Creature Features 1969
- - - - -
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Dam".
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree
would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
- - - - -
"I missed a payment to my exorcist and got repossessed."
- - - - -
Two vultures boarded an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looked at them and said, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."
- - - - -
> What did one ghost say to the other? Do you believe in people???
>
> Whattaya get when you divide the circumference of your Jack-O-Lantern?
> Pumpkin Pi
>
> Whattaya get when you goose a ghost? A hand full of sheet
- - - - -
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he
hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the =
source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being =
played
backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to =
return
with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has =
changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar.
When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then =
the
5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around
the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played
backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the
group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.
He's decomposing.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Howl - Nonsense
From: "Werre Woolf"
Date: Mon, 25 Sep 2000 22:05:44 -0400 (EDT)
Heres a song I uh, decomposed for the other list. It's sung to the tune
of "Sharp Dressed Man" by ZZ Top.
Green Shirt,
Gooed shoes,
I don't know what I am going to-o-o.
Silt suit,
Rat tie (Rat tie)
I'm telling you theres a worm in my eye,
They go runnin' just as fast as they can, cuz they all go crazy from a
Crypt Dressed Man.
Old watch,
Tarnished ring,
My bodys missing almost everythi-i-ing,
Hand cuffs,
Voo doo pin,
I can't step out cuz they did me i-i-in,
They go runnin' just as fast as they can, cuz they all go crazy from a
Crypt Dressed Man.
Rotten coat,
Rotten hat,
But I don't worry cuz my wallets fla-a-at.
Broken shades,
Got pains,
Lookin' Gross, Lookin for Brains,
They go runnin' just as fast as they can, cuz
they all go cazy for a Crypt Dressed Man.
- - - - -
Heres one that I picked up off the other list. From JMeils42 at aol.com
The End of the Raven
by Edgar Allen Poe's Cat
On a night quite unenchantig,
when the rain was downward slanting,
I awakened to the ranting
of the man I catch mice for.
Tipsy and a bit unshaven,
in a tone I found quite craven,
Poe was taking to a Raven
purched above the chamber door.
"Raven's very tasty", thought I,
as I tiptoed o'er the floor,
"theres nothing I like more".
Soft upon the rug I treaded,
calm and careful as I headed
Towards his roost atop that dreaded
bust of Pallas I deplore.
While the bard and birdie chattered,
I made sure that nothing chattered,
Creaked, or snapped, or fell, or shattered,
as I crossed the corridor.
For his house is crammed with trinkets,
curios and weird decor -
Bric-a-brac and junk galore.
Still the Raven never fluttered,
standing stock still as he uttered,
In a voice that shrieked and sputtered,
his two cents' worth - "Nevermore."
While this dirge the birdbrain kept up,
oh, so silently I crept up,
Then I crouched and qickly leapt up,
pouncing on the feathered bore.
Soon he was a heap of plumage,
and a little blood and gore-
Only this and not much more.
"Oooo!" my picklel poet cried out,
"Pussycat, it's time I dried out!
Never sat I in my hideout
talking to a bird before.
How I wallowed in self-pity,
while my gallant, valiant kitty
Put an end to that damned ditty"-
then I heard him start to snore.
Back atop the door I clambered,
eyed that statue I abhor,
Jumped-and smashed it on the floor.
The Night Before Halloween
Twas the night before Halloween,
and all through the house,
all the creatures were stirring,
except for the mouse.
The monsters had gathered
to plan and prepare,
for the trick-or-treaters
who soon would be there.
Mummies unraveled
and put on new wraps.
Spiders found corners
and spun silky traps.
Count Dracula grinned
and slicked back his hair.
Frankenstein's bride cried,
"I've nothing to wear!"
"Hurry up!" said a ghoul
who started to yawn.
"There's so much to do
before bedtime at dawn."
So the witches brewed up
a magical potion
which set every monster
and goblin in motion.
They blew up balloons,
and hung streamers and lights,
and decorated till
the wee hours of night.
Meanwhile the children
were tucked in their beds
while visions of candy corn
danced in their heads.
In the morn when the awoke,
it was Halloween Day.
There was bobbing for apples
and rides in the hay.
There were costume parties,
and games to be played.
Cupcakes and candy and,
of course, a parade!
After dinner was served,
and the kids were done eating,
it was finally time
to go trick-or-treating!
Mom's re-painted faces,
and straightened clown hats,
put wings back on fairies,
angels and bats.
Jack-o-Lanterns were set
out on porches with care.
Their grins seemed to say,
"Knock if you dare."
Gypsies and pirates
and zombies in rags,
grabbed their bright flashlights
and trick-or-treat bags.
They walked down each lane,
avenue and street,
rang every doorbell
and said, "Trick-or-Treat!"
But just when the children
thought they were done,
the princess said,
"We've forgotten just one."
So they walked to the house
at the top of the hill,
which gave all the kids
a spine-tingling thrill.
They stood on the porch
and were ready to knock,
when the heard heavy footsteps,
and a turn of the lock.
When what to their
curious eyes should loom,
but a wicked old witch
holding a broom.
Her cape-how it shimmered!
Her face-oh, how scary!
Her hat was so pointy,
it frightened the fairy!
The wicked witch said,
"Welcome. We have a surprise."
And the children yelled,
"Run! It's not a disguise!"
The monsters were sad
when the kids ran away.
They wanted the children
to come in and play.
The wicked witch said,
"We can have our own fun!
Come on, little monsters,
the night's just begun!"
The monsters all cheered
as they danced with delight,
"Happy Halloween to all-
and to all a fright's night!"
<< THE THIRTEEN DAYS OF HALLOWEEN
>
> On the first day of Halloween
> my mailman brought to me
> A Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the second day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the third day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the fourth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the fifth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
> On the sixth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the seventh day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
> On the eighth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> eight freaky franks,
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
> On the ninth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> nine reapers reaping,
> eight freaky franks,
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
> On the tenth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> ten skulls a-smoking,
> nine reapers reaping,
> eight freaky franks,
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the eleventh day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> eleven coffins creaking,
> ten skulls a-smoking,
> nine reapers reaping,
> eight freaky franks,
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the twelfth day of Halloween,
> my mailman brought to me
> twelve skeletons a-dancing,
> eleven coffins creaking,
> ten skulls a-smoking,
> nine reapers reaping,
> eight freaky franks,
> seven scary pumpkins,
> six hooting owls,
> five witches riding brooms,
> four spooky ghosts,
> three black cats,
> two walking mummies,
> and a Gho-o-o-ul in a dead tree.
>
> On the thirteenth day of Halloween,
>
> Before this could happen......
> ......I Moved!
- - - - -
Subject: Howl - Silliness
From: "Wraith"
Date: Mon, 02 Oct 2000 10:00:59 -0700
Hi Y'all,
For a little Halloween unwinding, check out
http://www.halloweenjokes.com/index_flash.php3.
There's a little bit of everything, downloads,
fonts, games, horrorscopes, history and more.
I've not checked it all out, but what I've seen is
a good diversion.
- - - - -
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
..
..
He didn't have the guts!
- - - - -
If there was a theme song for haunter's, this would get my vote!
I edited out some of the song and got this.
There are few who deny,
that what I do I am the best,
for my talents are renowned far and wide.
When it comes to suprises,
in the moon lit night,
I excel without ever even trying.
With the slightest little effort
of my ghost-like charms,
I have seen grown men give out a SHREEK!
With the wave of my hand,
(in a well placed mode,)
I have swept the very bravest off their feet.
I'm the master of fright,
and a deamon of light,
and I'll scare you right out of your pants.
To a guy in Kentucky,
I'm Mister Unlucky,
and I'm known throughout England & France.
And since I am dead,
I can take off my head,
to recite Shakespearian quotation.
Nor animal nor man,
can scream like I can,
with the fury of my recitations.
- - - - -
> As the elderly man lay dying in his bed, death's agony was suddenly
> pushed aside as he smelled the aroma of his favorite homemade chocolate
> chip cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he
> lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made =
his
> way out of the bedroom, and with intense concentration, supported =
himself
> down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. In labored =
breath,
> he leaned against the door frame, gazing wide-eyed into the kitchen.
> There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally
> HUNDREDS of his favorite chocolate chip cookies!
>
> Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
> wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
>
> Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table,
> landing on his knees in a rumpled posture, one hand on the edge of the
> table. The aged and withered hand quiveringly made its way to a cookie
> near the edge of the table; feeling the warm soft dough actually made =
the
> pain of his bones subside for a moment. His parched lips parted; the
> wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly =
bringing
> him back to life.
>
> What, then, was this sudden stinging that caused his hand to recoil?
>
> He looked to see his wife, still holding the spatula she had just used =
to
> smack his hand.
>
> "Stay out of those!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Re: Funny of the day.....
From: "Stuart Schneider"
Date: Fri, 06 Oct 2000 11:29:11 -0400
Two kids were walking home after seeing a Halloween horror flick at the =
local
theater. One suggests that they take the shortcut through the Cemetary. =
The
other complains about disturbing the dead, but gives in when the first =
calls
him a chicken. Halfway into the Cemetary they hear a horrifying sound. =
Tap,
Tap, Tap, Tap ... The second kid says let's get out of here, but the first
kid, with a quivering bravado in his voice, says that they should go
investigate what is causing the sound. They finally agree to follow the =
sound
and start walking towards it. They push aside some overgrown bushes and =
before
them is an old man chiseling something on a tombstone with a hammer and
chisel. The boys feel very relieved that the sound has a logical =
explanation
and approach the man. "Hey mister, you scared us near to death with that
tapping sound. What are you doing?" The old man turned towards them and =
spoke,
"The damn fools spelled my name wrong".
- - - - -
My eight-year old asked "What do you get when you
cross a Mummy and a High-School kid?"
Her answer: "A Tomb-ager"
- - - - -
> Q - WHY DID THE GHOST CROSS THE ROAD?
> A - Because the chicken got hit by a eighteen
> wheeler!!!
It wasn't an eighteen wheeler, it was a Toyota. Ohhhhh, what a feeling.
Pollogeist
Q - Why did the spider cross the road?
A - Because he was stapled to the chicken's leg!!!
- - - - -
"Beware the autumn people. For some, autumn comes early,
stays late through life where October follows September &
November touches October & then istead of December & Christ's
birth, there is no Bethlehem Star, no rejoicing, but September
comes again & old October & so on down the years, with no
winter, spring, or revivifying summer. For these beings fall is ever
the normal season, the only weather, there be no choice beyond.
Where do they come from? The dust. Where do they go? the
grave. Does blood stir in their veins? No: the night wind. What
ticks in their head? The worm. What speaks from their mouth?
The toad. What sees from their eye? The snake. What hears
with their ear? The abyss betweeen the stars. They sift the
human storm for souls, eat flesh of reason, fill tombs with sinners.
The frenzy forth. In gust they beetle-scurry, creep, thread, filter,
motion, make all moons sullen, & surely cloud all clear-run waters.
The spider-web hears them, trembles - breaks. Such are the
autumn people. Beware of them."
- - - - -
> Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
> No body
- - - - -
THE MIRACLE OF MUSIC
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could
barely see 20 feet in front of the car.
Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car,
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks
over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has
to carry her to the nearest phone.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which
is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've
been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I
please use your phone??"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My
master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm
afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I
am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I
have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring
them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob
collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on
an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here
that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost haunting, melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch
movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping
time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm
begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty sits
straight up!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master! ... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
- - - - -
"I have seen the demons face
I have heard of her death place
I fall down on my knees in praise
of the Horrible things that took her away"
- - - - -
Double, double toil and
trouble, Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.........
MacBeth Act 4 Scene 1
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
First Witch: Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
Second Witch: Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Third Witch: Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches' mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Silver'd in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger's chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.
ALL: Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Second Witch: Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.
=20
=20
This is not the complete incantation, it is just what I used.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: In need of some witches incantations
From: "Larry Neirynck"
Date: Wed, 18 Aug 1999 03:29:57 -0500
Here's some I got off a halloween record;
1. Sinister seven, with faces green,
gathered here this halloween,
gathered here to cast a spell,
to send a tortured soul to hell!
2. Familiar captain, jet black crew,
flying broomsticks, thrice times woo,
I'll place a spell upon your head,
spit three times, then you're dead!
3. Slimy mould, and bats of hell,
join together for this spell,
poisen berry, toadstool caps,
snakebite venom, death perhaps!
4. Monsters entrails, dragons breath,
tongue of lizard- certain death!
5. Web of spider, evil eye,
cloak of darkness- you will die!
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: In need of some witches incantations
From: rao@servtech.com
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999 05:29:57 GMT
Here's another one;=20
My name is Prinella, come closer now
I will share my secrets of a witches brew
Rain water collected from a scummy pond=20
Add a thimble of blood, touched by a black laced wand=20
Sprinkle in the leaves from a bramble bush
Add essence of spiders, crushed to a gooey mush
A drip of syrup from the bark of a maple
Add a pinch of wire from a rusty staple
Mix them together, stir with a glee=20
A witches brew is what you will see=20
Gather up dirt, acorns and twigs=20
=46ound in a graveyard where the caretaker digs.
Build a large fire fit for a demon
Hotter and hotter, as flames begin screamin'
A large metal cauldron you'll need for this brew
Stir it as it boils, that's what you do=20
Wake up the spirits that beckon your call=20
A feast for ye mortals come one and come all
Hehehehehehehhehehe!=20
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: In need of some witches incantations
From: rao@servtech.com
Date: Sat, 18 Sep 1999 07:47:04 GMT
Here's one with some interaction with children. You could change it to =
fit your
needs, or even add it to the last one I posted.
Witch:
A witches brew we made, just for you
It's magical powers are both old, and yet new
for casting a spell as sharp as a bite
to make for the scariest halloween, tonight
Tonight tonight, we gather the dead
Children:=20
Tonight Tonight
Witch:
Tonight tonight, off with your head!
Heheheheheheehehe
Children:
Screaming
Witch:
Raise your glasses high, rich with brew
Let the zombies and ghosts, come out to visit you=20
Casting a spell from me, just for fright
for the scariest halloween, and to all a good night
heheheheheheehehe
- - - - -
Subject: Ten Reasons you may be too old to Trick or Treat
10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not
wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't
remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of
restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't
dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a
walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
- - - - -
Subject: Halloween Caroling? (Longish)
From: "Nero Wolfe"
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000 01:08:56 EDT
Has anyone here at Halloween-L discovered the joy of Halloween caroling? =
My
friends and I used to don our "ghoul apparel" and treat the neighbors to
some seasonal songs. We usually only visited homes of folks that we knew =
and
didn't go out on Beggar's Night because our lyrical content wasn't always
kid inclusive. *g*. Still, if you recompose, er, decompose, =
wait...*rewrite*
your songs carefully, it would be great fun for elders and kinder alike!
Perhaps some wandering singers, entertaining those in queue at your haunt?
I recently shared these past melodies with some bboard pals:
"Violent night, bloody night
All are gone, died of fright
Round yon cauldron, add the newt's eye
Can't escape it so don't you try
You will not rest in pea...eace
You will not rest in peace"
and, to the tune of Roberta Flack's "Killing Me Softly":
"I heard he had a chainsaw
I heard he'd maimed a few
So I went to see him
To find if it was true
And there he was this madman
A stranger to my eyes
Cutting my arms off with his blade
Smiling at me all the while
Killing me slowly with his saw
Killing me slowly...with his saw
Cutting my heart out...and laughing
Killing me slowly
With his saw".
(To the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")
"God rest ye buried gentleman
Lie easy in your tomb
You're sleeping the sleep of the dead
Or so we all assume
So whatever's in my room tonight
Please say it isn't you
O' why won't you stay inside your tomb
Inside your tomb
O' why won't you stay inside your tomb?"
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Halloween Caroling? (Longish)
From:
Date: Sat, 21 Oct 2000 11:37:29
LOL
Those are great, Nero. Your thread reminded me of the song
that's getting used currently in the commercials for the Christian
Children's Fund -- "Jesus Loves the Little Children." Of course, I
have to supply my own lyrics....
Jesus loves the little zombies,
All the zombies of the world.
Moldy green or bloody red,
Jesus loves you when you're dead.
Jesus loves the little zombies of the world.
(Rene, I wonder what your Outreach Ministries "friends" would
think of this? )
- - - - -
Subject: Halloween jokes
From: "Deb Sullivan"
Date: Tue, 24 Oct 2000 09:55:22 -0400
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Q -How can you tell if the boogeyman has been in your house?
A - All your tissues are gone!
Q - Why does Arkansas no longer have Halloween or Thanksgiving?
A - Because the witch took the turkey to Washington!
Q - How can you tell if a vampire has a cold?
A - By his 'coffin'.
Q - Why can't mummies go on vacation?
A - Because they're afraid they'll relax and unwind!
Q - Why shouldn't you try to goose a ghost?
A - Because all you get is a handful of sheet!
Q - What goes 'Ha-ha-ha-ha!", thud?
A - A monster laughing his head off!
Q - Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A - Because he didn't have any guts!
Q - Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone?
A - Because he was all wrapped up!
Q - How do vampires invite each other out for lunch?
A - "Do you want to go for a bite?"
A ghoul went out on the moonlit bank
His bones were all aquiver...
He gave a cough
His leg fell off
And floated down the river!
Cemetery story
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery =
=3D
fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by =
=3D
the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, and =3D
one for me. One for you, one for me." said one boy. Several were =3D
dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along =
=3D
the road on his bicycle. As he passed, the thought he heard voices from =
=3D
inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one =
=3D
for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my." he shuddered. "It's Satan and the =3D
Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery." He jumped back on his bike =3D
and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, =3D
hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I just heard. =
=3D
Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."
The man said "Beat it, kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" =3D
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery, and standing by =
=3D
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for =3D
me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been telling the truth! Let's =
=3D
see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the =3D
fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy =3D
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they =3D
tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one =
=3D
for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those =
=3D
nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!
Happy Halloween everyone!
* Compiled from www.joke-of-the-day.com
- - - - -
Subject: safety guidelines
From: "Stephen McNabb"
Date: Wed, 25 Oct 2000 7:43:20 -0400
FYI
> OSHA has released the following Halloween safety guidelines:
>
> 1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to
> see if it's really dead.
>
> 2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
>
> 3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
>
> 4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which
> they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of
> grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to
> kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with
> somebody else's voice.
>
> 5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it
> alone.
>
> 6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
>
> 7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would
> apply to any other house of the dead as well.
>
> 8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and =
find
> out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
>
> 9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
> circuits; just get out!
>
> 10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
>
> 11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good
> reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
>
> 12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
> know that you're doing.
>
> 13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
> least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and
> the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to
> catch up with you.
>
> 14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
> behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, =
increasing
> hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
>
> 15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
> listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in
> trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small
> town in Maine.
>
> 16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to
> the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that
> it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot
> your-self instead.
>
> You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
>
> 17. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the
> time to move in with the in-laws. This applies to houses that had
> previous inhabitants who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or
> had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
> 18. When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: talking skeleton
From: "webmaster@ScreamsPark.com"
Date: Thu, 26 Oct 2000 09:05:20 -0500
At 05:43 AM 10/26/00 -0700, you wrote:
>Hi Everyone,
>I will be having a talking skeleton head mounted to the front of my
>house. I need about 20 things for it to say. I'm thinking of it as kind =
>of a carnival barker, you know "ladies and gentlemen, step right up and
>see.....". Instead of a carnival, of course, it's our yard haunt which
>includes a FCG, cemetery with a grave jumper, a pop up head etc. This
>is a family thing where my wife, two sons and myself each record four or
>five tracks on a CD. Anybody got any ideas?
>Thanks.
>Scary Terry
How about singing some songs? Check out Ded Bob's Lyrics page.
SEE: http://www.dedbob.com
(BTW, the "Secret" password is "hey what?")
Also some of the Halloween Carols could be fun.
- - - - -
Subject: Funny prop
From: "Scott Renfield"
Date: Sun, 29 Oct 2000 22:06:53 MST
I bought one of those 3-foot skeletons that Kmart carries (they marked =
them
down a couple of bucks, so I had to buy it) and decided to dress it up as =
a
TOT. I dug through my boxes and found my niece's Annie costume, and a =
ratty
red wig from about 1965 (Beatle cut, of all things.) My wife used a =
curling
iron on it and to our delight the entire ensemble looks very bizarre. =
This
was not enough for me, however. I wrote new lyrics for "Tomorrow" =
(Annie's
earnest and cloying theme) and convinced our neighbor's 9-year-old =
daughter
to let me record her singing it. The lyrics follow:
The dead'll come out at midnight
Bet your bones that at the stroke of midnight
They'll be here.
There isn't a doubt that midnight
Is the time for ghouls and ghosts and goblins
To appear.
Behind you, behind you,
They're coming to find you;
They're only a grave away.
Behind you, behind you,
They're coming to find you;
They're only a graaave awaaay.
Scott Renfield
(Who says the modern musical is dead?)
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Funny prop
From: "Alden Pelayo"
Date: Mon, 30 Oct 2000 21:44:23 -0800
Well let me assist in that ego maintenance! I thinks it is great. If =
anyone
has any others we can compile them and put a songbook together for next
year.j
Demons we have heard on high
Sweetly shrieking o'er the plain.
And the zombies in reply
Echoing their ghoulish strains.
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh Halloween
An excellent evening!
Oh, oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh Halloween
Trick or Treating here we go!
- - - - -
Subject: Ghost Chickens in the Sky
From:
Date: Thu, 09 Nov 2000 17:46:55 EST
In a message dated Thu, 9 Nov 2000 5:30:35 PM Eastern Standard Time,=20
CREEHILL at aol.com writes:
<< I have thought about getting one or two of the flying eagle ones, though,=
=20
to=20
mutate into flying chickens for my "Chicken Hell" prop that I'm setting up i=
n=20
the big outhouse next year. I figure that I can modify the head somehow to=20
make it look like a chicken. I was thinking of having chicken skeletons, an=
d=20
I may still try to pull that off, but I also thought of having rubber=20
chickens, in various states of distress. This is very silly, but I think it=
=20
may turn out to be the most fun to put together.
>>
Thought you might like this:
Ghost Chickens in the Sky
(Sung to the tune of "Ghost Riders in the Sky")
Lyrics
A Chicken farmer went out one dark and dreary day. =20
He rested by the coop as he went along his way. =20
When all at once a rotten egg hit him in the eye. =20
It was the sight he dreaded: Ghost Chickens in the Sky! =20
Chorus: =20
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok. =20
Bok, Bok, Bok, Bok. =20
Ghost Chickens in the Sky! =20
The Farmer had raised chickens since he was 24, =20
Workin=92 for the Colonel for 30 years or more, =20
Killing all those chickens and sending them to fry. =20
Now they want revenge=85.Ghost Chickens in the sky. =20
Chorus =20
Their feet were black and shiny. Their eyes were burning red. =20
They had no meat or feathers. These chickens all were dead. =20
They picked the farmer up and he died by the claw. =20
They cooked him extra crispy, and ate him with cole slaw. =20
Chorus =20
- - - - -
Subject: Something for the post Halloween blues....
From:
Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2000 09:52:42 -0500
Hi ghoulies...
Found this wonderful poem saved from last year....and well since it's near =
the "C" word, I figured that it was just the thing to cheer everyone up =
--- Thanks to who ever wrote this, this is a great inspiration....
A Visit From The Boogeyman
T=92was the night before Halloween and all throughout the haunt,
All my tombstones were glowing with creepy green font;
The crank-ghosts were hung by the blacklights with care,
In hopes that patrons and trick-or-treaters would all get a scare.
My cohorts were nestled at home in their beds,
With visions of corpses who danced without heads.
Count Drac in his coffin (Steve), and I in my chair,
Had just settled down at the t.v. to stare.
When out in the graveyard there arose such a clatter,
I sprang through the webs to see what was the matter!
Away past the strobe lights =96 I flew like its flash,
I rushed past my corpses and my extra bone stash.
The spotlight in front of the graves in a row,
Gave the luster of moonlight to objects below;
When what to my fog-covered eyes should appear=97
But a ghost-apparition with goblin-like ears!
My best jack-o-lantern he picked up and threw
And I knew in a second what he intended to do.
His bloodshot eyes twinkled, his nose was all hairy;
His hands were all gnarled, his continence scary!
His hideous mouth was drawn up in a scowl;
His deathshroud was white as a cheap hotel towel.
Electrical clippers he held in his rotten old teeth,
And my wiring encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a really big gut, =91bout the size of a train,
That flobbed when he walked like a big Jello Brain.
He was rumbling and mumbling curse words to himself,
And I gasped when I saw him, in spite of myself.
But the gait of his step and the size of his head
Told me t=92was not the Boogeyman, but my neighbor instead!
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work,
Filled up his wheelbarrow, (Oh, man what a jerk!)
Then for spite he picked up my fence, (which he bent!)
Tossed it atop of his load and down the driveway he went.
Unsuspectingly, past my Trash-Can-Trauma he strolled;
I reached around numbly, my fingers were cold.
I then threw the switch in that dank, dark black void,
And it fired right up (what a good solenoid!)
What he did then I could only just guess by the smell,
But he dropped all my loot and then damned me to hell.
And I heard him exclaim as he ran out of sight=85.
**&%!@?!!&*)+^%#!!!! Halloween to you too!! Hey, now THAT=92S a good =
fright!!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!!
- - - - -
Oh, snow and rain are not enough
so we must make some brand-new stuff...
- - - - -
Act IV
Scene I
A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron. Thunder.
Enter the three Witches.
FIRST WITCH
Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd.
SECOND WITCH
Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
THIRD WITCH
Harpier cries, "'Tis time, 'tis time."
FIRST WITCH
Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison'd entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter'd venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' the charmed pot.
ALL
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
SECOND WITCH
Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
ALL
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
THIRD WITCH
Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat and slips of yew
Sliver'd in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver'd by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab.
Add thereto a tiger's chawdron,
For the ingredients of our cawdron.
ALL
Double, double, toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
SECOND WITCH
Cool it with a baboon's blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.
Enter Hecate to the other three Witches.
HECATE
O, well done! I commend your pains,
And everyone shall share i' the gains.
And now about the cauldron sing,
Like elves and fairies in a ring,
Enchanting all that you put in.
Music and a song, "Black spirits."
Hecate retires.
SECOND WITCH
By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks!
Enter Macbeth.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Undead Tech Support (OT humor)
From:
Date: Thu, 8 Feb 2001 10:17:07 EST
Undead Technical Support
(ring ring)
TechSup: Hello, undead technical support.
May I please
have your name and
the date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, yes. I am Vlad the Impaler and
I am a GREAT
AND MIGHTY
VAMPIRE!!!
TS: Can I please have your date of death,
sir? We have
currently around 120
Vlad the Impalers on file, it's a fairly
common name
among the undead.
Cust: Ummm, yeah... uhhh, well you see, I
haven't
actually died yet. I was
just sort of, you know, looking to see if
someone
would, you know, bite
me,
or if there is some sort of trial...?
TS: Yes, sir. Unfortunately, we can not
provide that
service. I would
however point you towards your nearest
foreboding castle
or dark alley to
find a blood sucking fiend of your choice.
Cust: Oh, why thank you! (Click)
(ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I
please have
your name and the
date of your death?
Cust: Ummmm, Herman Carpinski, July 12,
1876.
TS: So what can I help you with?
Cust: I need to know how I deal with this
whole rotting
problem.
TS: Rotting?
Cust: Yes, pieces of me keep like falling
off, and
there's this horrible
smell.
TS: Oh. Sir, were you killed by having an
undead bite
your neck and suck
your blood?
Cust: No, some guy danced around my grave a
lot and then
blew dust into my
face.
TS: Oh, I see. Sir, you are not a vampire as
it were.
You are what is known
as a zombie, and while I can't really
support that, I
can tell you that the
rotting smell is fairly normal. However, I
can give you
the zombie support
line.
(ring ring)
TS: Hello, undead technical support. May I
please have
your name and the
date of your death?
Cust: I AM VERY UPSET!!!
TS: I understand, sir, becoming one of the
walking
undead bloodsucking
fiends is a big step-
Cust: NO that is not what I am talking about
you
(bleepity bleep bleep)!
TS: Sir, if you will please calm down,
perhaps I can
help you?
Cust: I want to speak to whoever is in
charge!!!
TS: I can alert a manager, sir, but they
will have to
call you back in a
few
hours. Are you sure there is nothing I can
help you
with?
Cust: YEAH, WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THIS DAMN
SUN THING??
TS: Excuse me sir? A vulnerability to the
sun is fairly
standard to all
vampire types, so that behavior is by
design.
Cust: It is not! It says right here in this
pamphlet I
downloaded from the
Internet that if I ingest the blood of 12
virgins on 12
consecutive nights
and gouge out my own eyeballs I'll be
immune. Which I
have done mind you
and I am still vulnerable to the sun, so
what gives?
TS: Well, sir, that is a different...ah...
application
of your powers. You
probably want to talk to the people who
wrote it, or if
it is something
specific to your particular type of vampire,
you may
wish to speak to the
person who brought you across.
Cust: WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP! YOU PEOPLE SUCK,
AND NOT IN A
GOOD WAY! (CLICK)
You know I honestly hate calls like that. I
mean what is
with these people?
Is it my fault they don't read the fine
print? I mean,
ok immortality is
cool and the nifty vampire powers are great,
but they
all call me when they
can't handle it and expect me to deal with
this crap, I
mean...one sec got
a
call
(ring ring)
TS: Undead Techni-
Cust: YOU GOTTA HELP ME! THERE IS SOME GUY
WITH A
CROSSBOW OUTSIDE, AND HE
IS SCREAMING THINGS LIKE, "DIE FOUL
FIEND!!!"
TS: Okay sir, please calm down.
Cust: CALM DOWN! HOW THE HECK DO I CALM
DOWN? HE IS
BATTERING DOWN THE
DOOR!
AND HE SOUNDS PISSED!!!
TS: Okay sir, are you vulnerable to holy
symbols?
Cust: Ummm, actually no. I am a farquath
vampire, we
don't do the holy
symbols thing.
TS: Ah, good! I also see your kind of
vampire has
increased strength and
speed and can take a lot of punishment.
Okay, is he
through the door yet?
Are there more than one of them?
Cust: There are 3 of them! And they have
crosses and one
of them has a
crossbow.
TS: Well, okay. Do you have a phone book?
Cust: Yes, WHAT THE HELL GOOD IS A PHONE
BOOK GOING TO
DO ME?!?!
TS: Sir, I need you to remain calm if you
want me to
help you, okay?
Cust: All right, now what? They're almost
through the
door!
TS: Tuck the phone book inside your jacket
over your
heart. When they come
through the door, let them shoot you with
the cross bow,
and then hit the
one in front as hard as you can.
Cust: Okay, I'll try. I'm not very violence
literate
though.
TS: That's okay, just follow my instructions
and I'll
talk you through it.
Cust: (sounds of crashing and muted thunk
and a loud
scream) Okay, there
are
two left, now what?
TS: Okay, throw the one you hit at the
second one as
hard as you can, and
then grab the third by the throat and lift
him off the
ground.
Cust: (loud crashing and some moaning
followed by some
choking gurgling
noises.) Okay, I have the head guy dangling
- now what?
TS: Okay, now look into his eyes and laugh
maniacally.
Cust: Heh heh heh.
TS: You might want to try a more maniacal
laugh. Kind of
like this -
MUHAHAHAHAHA!!
Cust: Wow, you scared me. Okay, I'll try.
Muhahahaha.
How was that?
TS: Close enough. Now repeat after me, "YOU
PITIFUL
HUMAN INSECT, DIE LIKE
THE CATTLE YOU ARE!!!" and then please
squeeze as hard
as you can.
Cust: (repeats statement and a cracking is
heard from
the phone) Nothing is
happening.
TS: Sir, I mean squeeze with the hand you
are holding
him with.
Cust: Oh. Okay. (wet cracking sound is
heard) Wow, this
isn't so hard.
Maybe
I will get the hang of this whole violence
thing! Thanks
so much for your
help!!
TS: That's quite all right, you have a good
night now,
and thank you for
choosing undead technical support.
(click)
See now, I kind of like those calls. I got
to help
someone, and you know
that's what this job is all about. Am I one
of the
undead? Heck no. I don't
care much for the hours really, I am just
doing this for
money while I
study
for my Occult Sciences degree. Then I can go
out and
make some real money
as
either an undead admin, or maybe a
troubleshooter type.
Support is great
experience for that sort of thing because it
gets you
learning, and working
with people. I know tons about the undead
vampire types,
and I heard we are
going to start supporting werewolves and
magic users
next. Hey, if they
want
to train me, I'm not going to complain. I
mean, after
all-
(ring ring)
TS: Undead technical support. Can I have
your name and
the time of your
death?
Cust: Hey, is this where I call about
problems with
being a vampire?
TS: Yes, it is.
Cust: Okay. Do I have to drink blood? That's
kind of
gross - can't it just
be Kool Aid or something?
TS: No, I'm sorry, but blood is definitely a
requirement.
Cust: Oh, well, ok.
TS: Anything else I can help you with?
Cust: Hey, yeah. Can I catch AIDS and things
from bad
blood?
TS: (hits mute button) MORON! (lets go of
mute button)
Sir, you're dead,
okay? You really don't have to worry about
that at this
point.
Cust: Oh. How do I get the blood?
TS: Generally you bite people.
Cust: Oh, ok. Well, bye.
(click)
(sigh) Geez, dude, read a book. There are
times when
this job gets on my
nerves. But anyway where was I? Oh yeah. I
get to start
training today for
supporting werewolves and magic users. And
vampire
hunters. You'd think
that
would be a conflict of interest... oh well.
(2 weeks of training later)
Instructor: . . . just to re-emphasize a few
things - we
do not support
major summoning or world destroying rituals.
And if the
customer is a
werewolf and has just shifted and can no
longer
communicate you will need
to
direct them to the growling and grunting
specialist. Any
questions?
TS: What exactly constitutes a major
summoning? I mean
what is our policy
if
they attempted a summoning and mispronounced
the name
and got a major demon
lord instead of the minor imp they were
trying for?
Inst: Well, assuming they are still alive,
you would
probably want to send
it to Escalation. Any other questions?
(Later that month)
(ring ring)
TS: Shape shifter technical support. May I
please have
your name and the
type of shifter you are?
Cust: This is Derek Thorfin and I am having
this
problem... (scratching
noises) I can't get this damn hair to go
away after I
shift. There's this
one patch that just won't not go away.
TS: Well, sir, is it a rectangular patch on
your chest
and abdominal area?
Cust: Yes, actually it is.
TS: Well, sir, that will not go away. That
patch of hair
is the mark of the
animal demon that currently possesses you.
If you were a
shifter by birth
rather than by position, it wouldn't be
there.
Cust: So when will there be a solution to
this problem?
TS: Sir, that particular behavior, as I have
said, is a
side effect of
being
a shifter by position.
Cust: Whatever, when are you going to fix
it? Cause I
don't like this hair,
it itches.
TS: Sir, as I said this is something that
cannot be
fixed, unless you want
to go through a cleansing ritual and give up
being a
shape shifter.
Cust: No, you don't understand! I want this
hair gone
and you need to tell
me how to get rid of it! Have you got that,
fella? Cause
if not, I'll have
to come down there and rend you limb from
limb. I am a
werewolf, got that,
geek boy? Now you go on and tell me that
secret way you
have of getting rid
of this here hair.
TS: Sir, I must tell you that if you
continue to be
threatening, I will
have
to terminate this call and refer your case
to our
security department.
That
being said, we do not have a secret way to
remove your
hair.
Cust: All right, that's it! You're lying to
me! Either
tell me or I come
down there and REND ALL YOU blankety blanks
INTO SMALL
QUIVERING CHUNKS OF
FLESH!!! YOU GOT THAT GEEK BOY? WHAT DO YOU
SAY TO THAT,
HUH?? WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO, HUH??
TS: I am sorry sir, you've forced me to
terminate this
call.
(click)
(A few days later)
(Loud growling followed by a loud pop
followed by
distraught howling)
Hmmmm, I wonder if I should have told him
about the
silver trap we have
for
werewolves... oh well, back to work.
(ring ring)
TS: Mystical Technical Support. May I please
have your
name and the name of
your group, or your contract number if you
are an
independent.
Cust: My name is Mike Evenstar and I am a
member of the
Most Glorious Order
of Hiparcthurs and Tolemay.
TS: Okay, sir, what can I help you with?
Cust: Well it's a small thing really, I was
just
wondering what would
happen
if, ah, well, when summoning a 9th level
elemental
spirit I had gotten two
of the glyphs wrong?
TS: Which Glyphs, sir? (Sound of head
pounding on table
is heard)
Cust: Well, that is, I sort of changed the 9
into a 90
and the elemental to
demonic.
TS: I see. Sir, can you hang on a second?
Cust: Sure, no problem. But please hurry -
the glowing
purple thing is
getting worse, and the walls have started
bleeding.
TS: I'll just be a moment, sir. (hold music)
AHHHH why
do I get these
calls?
(off hold) Okay, sir. I want you to listen
to me
carefully. Once I'm done
talking, I want you to follow these steps.
First open
the door to the room
you are in, step through it, and run as fast
as you can.
Then call
555-DUMB.
This is the number for a service that takes
care of
these kinds of
situations.
Cust: Okay, so I open the... (sound of a wet
crunching
sound, a scream, and
then silence)
TS: (sigh) I lose more idiots that way. Oh
well, at
least I got promoted to
major conjurations,summonings and escalation
support
last week. It means
more money, although now I end up with even
bigger
problems to deal with.
But they're giving me more training I guess.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go for it
Other Tech: Okay, I've got this guy on the
line who says
that he is trying
a
major summoning, and he has a wizard class
account, so
he is covered. But I
have no clue what's going wrong. He has the
sacrifice he
needs, all his
sigology looks fine, I mean he even has the
blue pillar
of fire going for
him! Could you take it, please, because
frankly, I am
stumped.
TS: Sure, go ahead and transfer him. (pause)
Hi there, I
hear you are
having
some problems.
Cust: Yes, I don't understand it. I have all
the
materials and everything
appears to be fine. I have gateway open but
I am getting
no response to the
truename.
TS: A sacrifice was mentioned - could you
tell me what
kind?
Cust: Yes, a virgin human female sacrifice
was needed,
and she is waiting
right here all bound and prepared for the
demon to come
through and rip her
to pieces. I mean, we even have the proper
amount of
screaming.
TS: (knowing chuckle) Did you say virgin
sacrifice? And
how old is she?
Cust: She is 17. I had her checked out
beforehand and
she is a certified
virgin.
TS: Of course. By any chance do you have a
young male
assistant? A
teenager,
perhaps?
Cust: Well, yes I. . . DAMNIT ALL TO HELL,
Jedrick come
over here! I'm
gonna
peel the skin off your back and feed you to
-
omitted-
TS: Sir, you may not realize this, but
saying names like
that in front of
open gateways can be a bad idea.
Cust: What, you mean -------? Why would that
be bad?
TS: Sir, I would once again advise you
against saying
that name in front of
a gateway.
Cust: Oh, come on, no one actually expects
------- to
answer, I mean he
(sound of a thunder clap)
TS: (sigh) If this keeps happening I might
get written
up.
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: Ummmm, I have a demon on the phone.
TS: You mean someone summoned a demon and he
needs help
with it?
OT: N-n-no, the demon killed him while he
was on the
phone and, ummm, it
somehow got my name and now it says it owns
my soul as
well, and I am kinda
in over my head, HELP please.
TS: Okay, go ahead and conference it.
OT: Okay, here goes.
Demon: YOUR SOULS ARE MINE -- ALL OF THEM!!!
TS: With whom am I speaking, sir?
Dem: I am the Demon Rathgarton! And your
souls are mine
by the contract of
the fool! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
TS: Well, all right, sir. But I need to tell
you one
thing first.
Dem: SAY WHAT YOU WILL, PUNY MORTAL!
MUHAHAHA!!
TS: notraghtar BY THE POWER OF YOUR
UNNAMEING, DEMON
BEGONE!!!!
Dem: NOOOOOO AHHHHHHH THE PAIN
NOOOoooooooooooo (fades
into nothing)
TS: See, it's no problem, you just can't let
those
demons push you round!
OT: Cool -- thanks dude!
(ring ring)
TS: Escalations, go ahead.
OT: I've got an irate, would you please take
her?
TS: (sigh) Go for it.
Cust: NOW YOU LISTEN HERE! I AM A POWER
CONJURER, AND I
KNOW IT IS NOTHING
I
DID! THE PROBLEM IS WITH YOUR SHODDY
MATERIALS!! I KNOW
BIG PEOPLE IN HIGH
PLACES AND I'M GOING TO HAVE YOU ALL TURNED
INTO
TOADS!!!
TS: Ma'am, if you will please calm down and
read me your
conjuring formula,
maybe I can help you.
Cust: OH VERY WELL! (long incomprehensible
formula
follows)
TS: Ma'am, I think I've found your problem
-- it is on
the 3rd, 8th, and
21st lines.
Cust: OH REALLY AND WHAT IS THAT MR SMARTY
PANTS??
TS: Ma'am, 2+2 is equal to 4 not 8.
Cust: Why you worthl- ummmmm... wait a
minute... (click)
TS: Thank you for calling magic support, and
have a nice
day.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Poems
From: "Tisha Bunyard"
Date: Thu, 15 Feb 2001 15:35:52 -0800
Hello all,
Someone shared a really neat Halloween poem yesterday and I wanted to =
share
one that I really like, too. It was written by Carl Sandburg. I liked it =
so
much that I put it on my Halloween site! :)
"Theme in Yellow"
I spot the hills
With yellow balls in autumn
I light the prairie cornfields
Orange and tawny gold clusters
And I am called pumpkins.
On the last of October
When dusk is fallen
Children join hands
And circle round me
Singing ghost songs
And love to the harvest moon;
I am a jack-o-lantern
With terrible teeth
And the children know
I am fooling.
- - - - -
Greetings!
Congratulations, or should we say Beware!?
A unique WitchCrafters Bouquet of Curses has been selected for you by a close,
anonymous friend. This festive Halloween assortment includes the following array
of afflictions and misfortunes.
For the next seven days:
* Every cup of coffee will taste like hot Nyquil.
* Every TV channel will play "Regis & Kathi Lee" reruns in slow motion.
* Every radio station will have Rush Limbaugh as DJ playing "Barney's Christmas
Album."
* Your socks will smell like ferrets in heat.
* You will gain three pounds every time you open the refrigerator door.
* Every phone call you receive will begin "Would you like to save money on your
long-distance service?"
* Your stalled car will be the hilarious highlight of the morning traffic report.
These WitchCrafters Curses will expire after seven days. Should you wish to renew
them at any time, or order a custom bouquet for a friend or relative, call
1-800-WHY-MEEE.
Bon appetit!
U.R. Scrued
Director of Public Relations
- - - - -
The TOP 10 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires
=--=
10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
7. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean,
uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for the bottom of a coffin.
6. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
5. No warm blood for miles around DC.
4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
- And the #1 complaint of Modern-day Vampires -
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.
- - - - -
The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker is Dead
15> That smell ain't burnt microwave popcorn, Chester.
14> Sudden increase in acquisition forms requesting embalming
fluid and duct tape.
13> Your law partners are circling over his desk.
12> The document he's been working on is now 3,480 pages long,
and he typed every page with his face.
11> His PowerPoint presentations don't have the flair they used
to, plus he smells like rotting meat.
10> Gag-inducing Old Spice finally gives way to a comparatively
pleasant carrion odor.
9> He's been working on that TV Guide crossword puzzle for
three weeks now.
8> Well, *someone* finally nabbed the arsenic-laced Halloween
goodies you keep on your desk.
7> His productivity evaluation uses the word "cadaverous"
9 times.
6> Sexual harassment complaints have dropped off drastically.
5> "Kick Me" signs starting to pile up on his back.
4> Contestant #2 just bought an 'A', but the damn board still
says "M_N_GU_, NIC_R_GU_."
3> Her coffee mug says, "World's coolest Great-Great-Great-
Grandmother."
2> He's worn the same clothes for the last 3 days -- and he's
*not* an engineer.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Co-Worker is Dead...
1> His AOL screen announces, "You've Got Rigor Mortis!"
- - - - -
Bumper sticker on a hearse: I'd rather be breathing.
- - - - -
Q. Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
A. To stop his coffin.
Q. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
A. No body.
Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A. Bamboo.
Q. Why don't mummies take vacations?
A. They're afraid they'll relax and unwind.
- - - - -
Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.
How can you tell that Doctor Victor Frankenstein had a good sense of
humor?
Because he kept his monster in stitches.
How do mummies hide?
they wear masking tape.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern
and divide it by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi
What are a vampire's favorite snacks?
Adam's apples and nectarines.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
Put your boos and shocks on.
What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
"Don't spook until you're spooken to."
What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."
What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.
What do you get if you cross a vampire bat and a mummy?
A flying band-aid, or a gift-wrapped bat.
What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.
What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.
What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!
What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.
What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.
What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.
What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
She flies off the handle.
What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
You'd get a harewolf.
What is a ghost's favorite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!
What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.
What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf.
What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.
What's soft, moldy and flies?
A spoiled bat.
What's a mummy's favorite music?
Ragtime.
What's a ghoul's favorite game?
Hide-And-Go-Shriek!
What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
Ghost toasties with booberries.
What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.
When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.
Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.
Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie
Where do you take a ghost who's backed into a lawn mower?
To a liquor store. That's where they retail spirits.
Why are so few ghosts arrested?
It's hard to pin anything on them.
Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
It was his bat.
Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!
Why did the monster eat the caboose?
The locomotive told him to "Choo, choo."
Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!
Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend!
Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
Because people are dying to get in.
Why do witches think they're funny?
Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.
Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.
- - - - -
Date: Tue, 06 Apr 1999 00:13:08 -0500
From: David Buckert
Subject: Re: Re: HALL: screcrows. was May be my last post...
At 08:56 PM 4/5/99 EDT, you wrote:
>
>In a message dated 4/5/99 8:44:53 PM, you wrote:
>
><<<< I am working on a How-To for my talking scarecrows, and I am still
> researching cheap servo control alternatives to be used in props. >>
>
>Please can you tell me where to find these servos? I need to get some.
>>>
>BTW I'm still looking for some bad halloween jokes I could use if I have to
>creaturs talking to each other. What where the ones those talking
scarecrows
>where using?
There seems to be a lot of interest in BAD jokes. B-)
Take a look at the "Bottomless Pit of Terror-ible Jokes" at:
http://www.screamspark.com/joker.html
That database has 400 two-liners stolen...umm collected from far and wide.
Anybody that wants a copy of that textfile just send me an email and I send
it to you.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Howl - Dracula
From: "lpoye"
Date: Tue, 20 Mar 2001 07:37:06 -0800
Dracula walks into a bar with a bat on his head, barkeep say's what's up
with that? bat say's I don't know, it started with a bump on my A@&!
----- Original Message -----
From:
To:
Sent: Tuesday, March 20, 2001 4:16 AM
Subject: Howl - Dracula
> One day Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly 10 tons of =
smoked
> salmon sandwiches, bridge rolls, pitted olives, chicken wings, =
chipoltas,
> tomato salad, pizza slices and crisps falls on him from a great height =
and
> knocks him to the ground.
>
>
> "Oh no!' he gasps with his dying breath... "It's Buffet the Vampire
Slayer!"
- - - - -
Subject: Quick joke
From: "stirling"
Date: Fri, 6 Apr 2001 12:54:58 -0700
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever' ."
"Yeah?" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that =
reads,
" 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'
- - - - -
Evil Overlord Career Guide
Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well,
there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However,
every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies
invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I`ve noticed that
no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad
scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic
mistakes every single time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an
Evil Overlord:
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the
object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No."
and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married
immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three
weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push"
will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to
disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled
as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small
hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need
to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws
in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds
of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any
other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find
that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate
when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt
to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction
at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her
own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms
for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more
positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I
will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops
in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my
power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless
-- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with
spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at
least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM
INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort
of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there
is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the
same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all
times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies
into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes
will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of
comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad
news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard
to come by.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to
wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be
reserved for formal occasions.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of
Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will
keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out
copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me
in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at
the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite
number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of
untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible
for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will
not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for
failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I
will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for
him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology
with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will
not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me,
I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them
out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local
paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh
powerbooks.
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer
him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned
tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place
in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if
there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for
target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any
code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds,
it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies
them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals,
the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as
the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone
who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should
be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to
win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse,
instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack
one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also
not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge
over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero
the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain
enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of
earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!"
The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon
as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into
limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my
best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as
he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front
of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then
have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both
of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then
activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will
be more along the lines of "Push the button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate
them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task
again.
89. After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds
the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I
took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment
is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight
on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few
months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of
righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling
who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled
to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on
the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I
will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together
against their will and they spend all their time bickering and
criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when
they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of
sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless
trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
- - - - -
> 666 - Number of the Beast
> 668 - Neighbor of the beast
> 660 - Approximate number of the Beast
> DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
> 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
> 0.666 - Number of the Millibeast
> 1/666 - Common Denominator of the Beast
> 666[-/(-1)] - Imaginary number of the Beast
> 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
> 29A - Hexidecimal of the Beast
> -666 - Negative number of the Beast
> 00666 - Zip code of the Beast
> $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
> $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
> $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement
> soul
> $656.66 - Wal-Mart price of the Beast
> $646.66 - Next week's Wal-Mart price of the Beast
> Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
> Route 666 - Way of the Beast
> 665 - Older brother of the Beast
> 667 - Younger brother of the Beast
> 6-6-6 - Fertilizer of the Beast
> 666lb cap - Weight limit of the Beast
> 666 F - Oven temperature for cooking roast "Beast"
> 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
> 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
> 6.66% - 5 year CD rate at First Beast of Hell, $666 minimum
> deposit.
> 1-800-666-6666 - Toll free number of the Beast
> Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
> Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
> i66686 - CPU of the Beast
> 666i - BMW of the Beast
> 666-66-6666 - Social security number of the Beast
> 666.AC.com - URL of the Beast
> IAM 666 - License plate number of the Beast
> Formula 666 - All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast
> WD-666 - Spray Lubricant of the Beast
> 66.6 MHz - FM radio station of the Beast
> 666 KHz - AM Radio station of the Beast
- - - - -
"So many dragons lurking out in the fog
So many crazy people mumblin' monologues
It's not the tales of Stephen King that I've read
I need protection from the things in my head"
Jimmy Buffett (Vampires, Mummies and the
Holy Ghost)
- - - - -
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, you may have
an exciting future as a guillotine operator
- - - - -
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen,
only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into
low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down,
but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to
friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
(Who ever compiled this list should recieve capitol PUNishment!)
- - - - -
=A0 =A0=A0 REDNECK GHOST STORY
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 A professor at the University of Kentucky
=A0 is giving a lecture on=A0 supernatural. To get a feel for his
=A0 audience, he asks: "How many
=A0 people=A0 here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students
=A0 raise their hands.
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 "Well that's a good start.=A0 Out of those
=A0 of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen=A0 gh=
ost?"=20
About 40 students=A0 raise their hands.
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 "That's really good.=A0 I'm really glad you
=A0 take this seriously. Has=A0 anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15=A0 s=
tudents=20
raise theiir=A0 hands.
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 "That's a great response.=A0 Has anyone here
=A0 ever touched a ghost?"
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 3 students raise their hands.
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 "That's fantastic.=A0 But let me ask you one
=A0 question further.. Have=A0 any=A0 of you ever made love to a ghost?" One=
=20
student way in the back=A0 raises his hand.
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 The professor is astonished.=A0 He takes off
=A0 his glasses, takes step=A0 back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been=
=A0=20
giving this lecture, no=A0 one has=A0 ever claimed to have slept with a ghos=
t.=A0=20
You've got to come up
=A0 here=A0 and=A0 tell us about your experience."
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 The redneck student replies with a nod and
=A0 a grin, and begins to make=A0 his way up to the podium.
=A0 As he ambles slowly toward the podium,
=A0=A0 the=A0 professor says, "Well, tell us what it's
=A0 like to have sex with a ghost."
=A0 =A0 =A0=20
=A0 =A0 =A0=A0 The student replies, "Ghost?!?
=A0 Shiiiiiit... From way back there
=A0=A0 where=A0 was I thought you said "goats."
- - - - -
From: JMeils42 at aol.com
Date: Thu, 17 Jun 1999 14:42:35 EDT
Subject: Re: HALL: Top ten clues you're involved with a bad haunt.....
1) Laser pointers given away to each patron BEFORE entering house.
2) Signs on the wall which read "Smoking encouraged"
3) Monster costumes made from ping pong balls and plastic bags worn over
heads.
4) Break room has a blackboard listing odds on next fight between actors and
customers.
5) Ads proudly proclaim: "Haunted Sewage Disposal Plant!"
6) Haunt is sponsored by a brewery, which forces you to give away cans of
beer to each kid as a "treat."
7) The house is being picketed by a coven of Pagans, all of whom carry signs
reading, "Unfair!" and "Witches not that lame!"
8) Large banner at the front entrance declares; "Crips and Bloods Night!"
9) Actor break room far scarier than the house's "Surgery Room"
10) Owner proclaims house a "preaching tool" for the Lord.
- - - - -
MARTHA STEWART'S NECROMANCY
"Today on Martha Stewart's Necromancy, we'll be comparing zombies and
skeletons: Which is better? Plus, we'll have a special segment on how to =
get
rid of the odor of decaying flesh.
First up, we'll examine the household use of zombies and animated =
skeletons.
Zombies are the traditional staple undead servant, considering their =
bodies
are in at least moderate shape within the first year of death. However,
brawn isn't everything when it come to household chores.
Zombies are almost useless for household cleaning. In addition to being
sluggish workers, grave dirt and rotting flesh defeats the purpose of
cleaning, and the flies they bring with them are a real nuisance.
By the same token, they make unsanitary cooks, and the ones which have had
time to dry, such as mummies, run the risk of catching fire if they are to
close to the stove.
What I have found to work best is to keep the zombies working in the =
garden.
The smell blends with that of the compost heap, and their rotting remains
help act as fertilizer. The vigorous work of gardening and farming also
helps them work the rotting flesh off so they become the more useful
skeletons, and the local birds will keep busy picking maggots of the =
zombie,
rather than the seeds in your garden.
I consider skeletons to be the true workhorse of necromancy. Most corpses =
of
ten years or more will rise as skeletons that simply need to be hosed off,
then polished till they are pearly white. I recommend a good scrubbing =
with
soap to get the residual flesh and grave dirt off, then a rinse and scrub
with bleach to get those whites their whitest. If you can manage it,
lamination will save a great deal of cleaning time, especially if they get
near the fireplace.
I commonly use my skeletons for most household chores. Their speed makes
them ideal for dusting and vacuuming, which requires little strength. They
also make superior waiters, coat-clerks, and cooks. A skeleton looks quite
dashing in a tuxedo, and engraving upon the bone add a great deal of
character. A little water-based paint can give them a festive air as well: =
a
little orange and black and it has a pumpkin head, and kids love painting
Easter-skulls.
Skeletons are also more convenient than zombies in that they take up less
room. You can simply fold them down into a medium size box for moving or
storage. Please, however, do not keep them in your closet. They take up
valuable closet space, and the clich=E9s it creates will prove to be a =
sour
note at any get-together.
If you keep dogs as pets, I recommend teaching the dog as a pup not to =
chew
bones.
For those of you who have been struggling with removing zombie-stink from
your car or home, I recommend gently rubbing the contact area with water,
sprinkling it with baking soda, and wiping it clean. If it is in a car, or
any area that receives a lot of heat, it is best to take it to a
professional.
Please join us next time, when our topics include:
Ghostly servants or email: Which is more convenient?
Vampires: Are they sucking you dry?
The local community: Friends and neighbours, or corpse supply?
Thanks, and please tune in next time!"
- - - - -
Self Test
(How to know if you are a hauntaholic)
1. Are you pestered all year by kids who want to know what the theme for
THIS year is?
2. Do older brothers and sisters run to your house first to get a laugh
as their screaming younger siblings climb trees all over the block?
3. Do you find you can't wait for thanksgiving dinner to end so you can
read your new distefano catalog?
4. Do you find yourself evaluating everyday items from 1 to 10 on the
basis of scariness?
5. Do you find yourself thinking that one corpse is more attractive than
another?
6. Do you get more excited over a fog machine than a dirty movie?
7. Do you have more help at your haunt than necessary for an
old-fashioned barn raising?
8. Do you have more than ten sound effect CD's?
9. Do you have names for the skeletons in your closet?
10. Do you play spooky music all year round?
11. Do you remember the dates to Halloween conventions more than your
children's birthdays?
12. Do you run to the shop outside of Disneyland's "Jungle River Ride"
first for more skulls for your yard?
13. Do you spend more on one Halloween than on your entire wedding?
14. Do you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse for the entire
history of your marriage?
15. Do you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse's anniversary?
16. Do you spend more on one Halloween than on your spouse's wedding
band?
17. Do you try to make Fido look like a hellhound every Halloween?
18. Do your neighbors look slantways at you and avoid you a full month
before Halloween?
19. Does your shed, basement, & attic contain anything besides Halloween
props?
20. Is monster mud the only recipe you know by heart?
21. Is the only candelabra you own in a spider web motif?
22. Is there a monster under your bed because your attic/basement/shed is
full?
23. Is your electric bill higher in October than in July?
24. The family dog ignores masked individuals breaking into your house?
25. When your spouse asks how was your day you babble about this really
neat prop on the web today!
26. You look at things in " the Real World " and say, " I can make that
"?
27. You request to the grocery store that they carry Count Chocula,
Booberry, and Frankenberry cereal in order to get your energy for more
prop making?
28. You see haunt possibilities with every road kill you cause.... ( oh,
I mean)...see
29. Your wife threatening to divorce you if you bring another " piece of
garbage" you see possibilities in.
30. Instead of giving your child a cat or dog did you give them a
gargoyle to play with?
31. Is your family afraid of the containers in your refrigerator because
they are more likely to contain paper mache' mash then mashed potatos or
slime instead of jello?
32. When your neighbors are asked about Halloween, do they roll their
eyes and point at your house?
33. You asked, at the service of a close relative, the funeral home
director where they got their music.
34. The guy at the paint counter at the hardware store sees you coming
and starts stacking gallon cans of flat black on the counter.
35. You find yourself recording autopsies off the medical channel for
"reference material".
36. You're at the thrift store, and you whoop and holler at finding a box
with several BBQ grill motors.
37. You go to "Goth Night" at a local club, armed with a pocketful of
"volunteer recruitment" flyers.
38. You can't watch a horror movie without jotting down ideas every two
minutes.
39. You drool more over a nice, big, scary monster prop with many, many
sharp teeth than you do over the average supermodel.
40. You're nervous about taking rolls of film in to be developed, for
fear the police might show up at your house looking for the corpses that
the developer clued them in to.
41. You have a room in your house reserved for special props/projects,
and won't allow anyone in there because it'll "spoil the Halloween
surprise!"
42. You own more colored/ultraviolet/flicker bulbs than you do normal
light bulbs.
43. You scare other family members or neighbors on a regular basis, often
without meaning to.
44. Your ideal pet would be a black cat, a tarantula, a snake, a bat, or
a rat (I have three rats, myself! But they're way too cute for Halloween
scares... :)
45. People refuse to walk into your house at night.
46. People refuse to walk into your house in broad daylight!
47. You have a customized license plate that has something to do with
Halloween.
48. You start actually setting up your yard haunt in August...
49. ...and still aren't finished on Halloween, but it'll do. Gotta start
earlier next year...
50. You cannot throw ANYTHING away that could even CONCEIVABLY be used to
scare someone. (Even if you don't know how yet...)
51. You judge homes by how well a haunt could be set up in them.
52. You see something anything reflected in a window, and immediately
ponder putting a Pepper's ghost there.
53. You find yourself contributing to a list of ways to tell if you're a
Hauntaholic... in the middle of July. :)
54. When your religious neighbors tell you that they pray for you..
(true one)
55. when your NON-religous neighbor says they will pray for you
56. when the boys in the white coats are afraid to come in your yard
57. when the 80 yr old neighbor asks if your cemetary is real (true one!)
58. Your children turn their bedroom into a giant spider web by stringing
yarn everywhere and pretend to attack when you get tangled in it.
59. Your 4 year old announces to the sunday school class that he wants to
be a Vampire when he grows up.
60. Your toddler's first word is "REDRUM"
61. The Kids hiss at each and make claws with their hands when they
fight.
62. The Toddler gets upset unless "Bucky" sits in the rocking chair in
his bedroom
63. It is not uncommon to see "Madeline" hanging in a Noose in you're
daughters room.
64. The four year old wants his "own" coffin....
65. "Addams Family" books are the most commonly read children's books
laying around.
66. You still think your kids are well adjusted....
67. ...when complete strangers rake you over the coals for depicting the
way a friend/relative died or commited suicide. (happened to us TWICE)
68. ...when police and paramedics arrive after being summoned to the site
where an impaled body had been spotted. (our haunt!)
- - - - -
This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her
husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her
husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it
just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank
check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the
coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the
director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing
happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in,
this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the
same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her
husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with
her. So I switched the heads."
- - - - -
Subject: Howl - Humor Break!
From: "Wraith"
Date: Wed, 30 May 2001 17:51:37 -0700
Here's a chuckler for y'all.
- Wraith
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder
to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost
control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop
window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab,
then the driver said "Look mate, don't ever do
that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't
realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your
fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"
- - - - -
Things To Do If I'm Ever The Vampire
There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why pick
someone who doesn't?
When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in
out-of-the-way locations such as the inside of
the thigh, the lower part of the breast or other location
not requiring painfully obvious alteration of clothing or
ridiculous accessories to conceal.
I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a
burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult
for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted
breaking and entering.
The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and
a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle
and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground,
there is no better way to reach out and touch someone
than with a sniper rifle.
The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato
juice container and there will be ordinary food in there
for camouflage.
I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm
Bob," is less suspicious than "I . . . am . . . DRAC . . U .
.. LA!
I will be able to explain porphyria and why that
unfortunate genetic condition is the reason I cannot go
out in the sun.
Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a
zero-tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can
always create more.
- - - - -
Subject: How to tell if you're not a professional haunt
From: "capdiamont"
Date: Sat, 21 Jul 2001 22:43:46 -0700
1) Your haunt uses the smoke that comes from your vehicles tailpipe, =
cracked
used oil and/or used antifreeze.
"We have 999 ghosts here now"
"Really? How many did you have before you started?"
"Zero"
2) Your idea of a theme is, "See if you can make it out alive"
3) You have a complaints department, and it is a huge rat named chomp.
4) Your TOT's pay to get out of your haunt.
5) Half price usually means the TOT's can get out 1/2 way through the ride
(usually out the second story window) or they give up an arm or a leg
literally. ( to add to the haunt)
6) Your $50 bill on a table prop, uses the bare end of a lamp cord, with =
the
other end plugged in to a GFCI, for safety.
7) You have them sign a waiver, that begins with, "Should you get maimed,
mulated, or killed..." and ends with "Your entire estate will go to XYZ
Haunt."
8) Your low lying fog comes from all the toxic waste in your yard.
9) That realistic decaying smell, is coming from the bathroom, the house,
and/or the septic tank .
10) That erie nuclear green glow comes from real nuclear waste.
- - - - -
Subject: Humor/ Bats
From: "Aileen Wedeking"
Date: Tue, 31 Jul 2001 17:05:55 -0500
Bats:
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and
parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him
about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some
sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
- - - - -
Subject: Songs from the Hospital Hit Parade
From: "Aileen Wedeking"
Date: Wed, 1 Aug 2001 19:22:07 -0500
SONGS FROM THE HOSPITAL HIT PARADE
"I'll be Sewing You"
"Red Cells in the Sunset"
"It's Spleen a Long, Long Time"
"It Had to Be Flu"
"On the Bonny Banks of Glaucoma"
"Gonna Take a Sentimental Gurney"
"The Staphs and Streps Forever"
"Old Man's Liver"
"I've Grown Accustomed to Her Brace"
"The Girl From Emphysema"
"MRI Blue?"
"My Melancolicky Baby"
"From Here to Maternity"
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall:How do you get off of the list??
From: "E Ratliff"
Date: Mon, 30 Jul 2001 18:40:35 -0400
How To Unsubscribe from this list:
To unsubscribe from this group you must first purchase a Craft-O-Matic
Adjustable Subscription Cancellation Unit. The unit can be obtained from
most hardware stores and dental clinics. Be sure to obtain the proper
permits to operate the unit from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and the
Food and Drug Administration in Washington D.C. USA.
Be sure to carefully unpack the kit and place each component in its
accompanying mesh safety bag. Mount the Pershing DF4 mesinator on top of =
the
perforated Gerring Mach 77 refibulator and attach them using the
eight-millimeter torque fork. Be sure that the refibulator is mounted at a
66-degree angle and properly dispersed so that it is flush with the curved
section of the Pyrex thistle tube. Place the four sections of the =
triangular
separation gear into the posture cylinder and lock them into place using =
the
band-aid adhesive strip. Insert the wiggling pin into the wobbling hole,
making sure that it seated correctly. Place the D cell battery and the
eleven 9 volt batteries in the power chamber.
The device should be calibrated before operation using the optional =
digital
corkscrew accessory pack prior to operation. Insert the digital corkscrew
through the electronic combustion service chamber using caution not to =
touch
the reinforced tungsten igniter control module and quickly turn the =
inverter
drive to 28.6 degrees. Turn the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription
Cancellation Unit upside down and hit the bottom plate with a 48-ounce
ball-peen hammer while shaking the unit vigorously. Force open the door to
the incineration valve compartment and set the pressure gauge to 719 psi.
Close the door and seal it shut with duct tape. The unit should now be
properly calibrated and ready to use.
Before activating the Craft-O-Matic Adjustable Subscription Cancellation
Unit, you must first elevate it to a height of 229 feet above sea level to
insure that the unit receives the proper oxygen level and barometric
pressure. Point the aerial to 17 degrees north by northeast to within the
parameters of the Telstar GS-2 weather satellite and apply pressure to the
wing shaft on the southern most section of the modular accelerator. Using
the special ratchet adapter supplied with the unit, rotate the heater core
to the "on" position. The "on" position has been obtained when the green
light begins to flash, signifying that the red light is about to go off.
Once the red light is off, flip the toggle switch labeled "ON/OFF" to the
"ON" position and count to 47 before logging on to the system.
Logon using your username and password and wait for the prompt. Once
prompted you must check the box with the appropriate action you wish to =
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and then press the pressure release button and turn off the compressor =
while
turning the hand crank at 231 meters per minute. Next, press control, alt,
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Press
enter.
You will have one second to complete the procedure. If you fail to respond
in the time limit allowed, simply purchase a new Craft-O-Matic Adjustable
Subscription Cancellation Unit and start from the beginning.
Please remember that this is the only way we will accept for you to
unsubscribe from this group. We have made every attempt to simplify the
procedure for your convenience. Failure to comply with the unsubscribe
policy will result in immediate termination of your subscription so please
follow the above directions closely.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: a WANTED sign
From: "WebMistress"
Date: Sun, 5 Aug 2001 10:25:38 -0700 (PDT)
Sunday is a holy day ... reserved for props only o:) As soon as my =
bro-in-law gets here we start. Hubbie BBQ's for dinner and we go all =
night long.
Some of my co-workers come to work hung over on Mondays ... I come to work =
still covered in MM 8=DE
Webby
--- Thanatoz
> wrote:
>Well how am I to know you don't work on Sundays,
>except that the answering machine said you were closed
>hehehe.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Re: Detailing
From: "james maguire"
Date: Tue, 7 Aug 2001 12:31:44 -0400
Big mistake Brandon... Don't listen to Lady Iron, just follow my evil
advice:
Your mom wasn't mad at all - in fact she was happy for the opportunity to
clean something in the house. Women are funny like that. On the outside =
they
pretend they are angry, but deep down inside they really enjoy picking up
after us. In fact you probably DID make her mad by cleaning up the MM from
the carpet. She was probably looking forward to doing that herself. You'll
need to act fast to restore her faith in you. I suggest that you begin
immediately! Since you are obviously working on a monster mud project here
are a few ideas to get mom involved:
Chicken wire is best cut with fabric or pinking shears. Look in your mom's
sewing kit for either one of these. If she doesn't sew, kitchen shears =
will
have to suffice. This shows mom that you have an awareness of her tools =
and
are willing to get her involved in Halloween.
When cutting plywood, use the living room coffee table as a sawhorse. I =
know
it may LOOK ruined when you are done, but mom will love the hours spent
buffing the finish back. You'll know what a good job you've done when you
hear her contented sigh as she finishes polishing.
The monster mud in the carpet was a good start, but small clumps are
unimaginative and pose no real challenge for mom. In the future, =
immediately
wipe any spills into a thin layer and sprinkle with coffee grounds.
Mom wants to know that you are aware of her culinary skills as well.
Tupperware is a great container for storing extra paint and monster mud. =
She
keeps a small scrub brush on the sink which is perfect for stippling MM. =
MM
is best when mixed in a t-fal pot. Never use plastic in a teflon pot - use =
a
hand mixer and mix well - don't forget to scrape the sides.
I can go on, but I think you get the idea... Try to plan your activities =
in
such a way as to get mom involved. Believe me, she will scream with joy =
when
she sees that you have thought of her. But don't forget - she may be your
mom, but she's still a woman. Never let her know you are doing this for
her - it's part of the game women play. Never acknowledge that you have
provided her with the opportunity or that you appreciate her. If you do, =
it
will spoil her day. She has to think it is spontaneous. Just follow this
advice and I unconditionally guarantee that both you and your house will =
be
well haunted this year.
Phobos
http://www.phobos-deimos.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "brandon champlin"
To:
Sent: Sunday, August 05, 2001 11:19 PM
Subject: Re: Hall: Re: Detailing
> My Mom is mad!!! She went into the room i mixed my MM in and she saw =
drops
> of it on the floor... She was mad!!!! So here is what I did, since MM
props
> don't hold up outside without sealing, I decided warm water, and since
paint
> comes out with rubbing alcohol, I mixed them together into the mini =
green
> steam machine and it worked out perfectly.
- - - - -
Subject: Spider Harvesting
From: "Sue McDonald"
Date: Wed, 08 Aug 2001 16:14:34 -0700
Got a good story about how gullible people can be about Halloween. My
husband was telling everyone that for the months prior to Halloween, we
raise our own spiders so we do not have to use the plastic ones or get
animated ones. He told everyone that we refrain from going into certain
areas so that they can build their webs, mate and produce more little
spiders. I think some of those people even believed him when my husband
told them we train them to be in our haunt.
- - - - -
Subject: Hall: Talking Boris- Who's on First- very long
From: "D Anello"
Date: Thu, 09 Aug 2001 13:55:13 -0400
>From:
>Subject: RE: Hall: Re: talking Boris ideas
>I've got two we left up in the dining room - we have corner shelves in
>there with speakers from the stereo hidden in the top - ran the mike up
>so it's right in front of the speaker - great when we play the Disney
>Haunted Mansion CD - everyone gets jazzed when you see the one on the
>left and then the one on the right talk. I was thinking I might put them
>on top of the columns at the gate of the cemetery fencing - maybe as
>someone else suggested with a different prop, have the two of them
>telling corny Halloween jokes back and forth for the parents while the
>kids walk up to the door.
When You mentioned about the Talking Boris and what you did with them it =
got
me thinking....What about doing the Abbott & Costello "Who's on First" =
with
a twist?
Digger C and I got together and came up with this version for the list.
Who=92s on the First Slab
Bucky: Alright, now whaddya want?
Boris: Now look, I'm the head of the Autopsy department. I gotta know the
cadavers=92 names. Do you know the guys' names?
Bucky: Oh sure.
Boris: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Bucky: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. Now let's see, who we have =
on
the slabs - we have Who on the first, What on the second, and I Don't Know =
on the third.
Boris: That's what I wanna find out.
Bucky: I said Who's on the first, What's on the second, I Don't Know's on
the third-
Boris: You know the fellows' names?
Bucky: Certainly!
Boris: Well then who's on the first?
Bucky: Yes!
Boris: I mean the fellow's name!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The guy on the first slab!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The first corpse!
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The guy laid out on the first slab!
Bucky: Who is on the first slab!
Boris: Now whaddya askin' me for?
Bucky: I'm telling you Who is on the first slab.
Boris: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on the first slab!
Bucky: That's the man's name.
Boris: That's who's name?
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Well go ahead and tell me.
Bucky: Who.
Boris: The guy on the first slab.
Bucky: Who!
Boris: The first corpse.
Bucky: Who is on the first slab!
Boris: Have you got a toe tag for the first corpse?
Bucky: Absolutely.
Boris: Who=92s name is on the tag?
Bucky: Well, naturally!
Boris: When you enbalm the first corpse, who gets the fluid?
Bucky: Every drop. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
Boris: Who is?
Bucky: Yes. The wife may come down and inspect it.
Boris: Who's wife?
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on the first
slab.
Bucky: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on the
second slab.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.
Bucky: Who is on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky: He's on the third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.
Boris: Now, how did I get on the third slab?
Bucky: You mentioned his name!
Boris: If I mentioned the third corpse=92s name, who did I say is on the =
third
slab?
Bucky: No - Who's on the first.
Boris: Never mind the first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on the
third slab.
Bucky: No - What's on the second.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second.
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky: He's on the third.
Boris: Aaah! Would you please stay on the third slab and don't go off it?
Bucky: What was it you wanted?
Boris: Now who's layin' on the third slab?
Bucky: Now why do you insist on putting Who on the third slab?
Boris: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Bucky: Yes. But we don't want him there.
Boris: What's the guy's name on the third slab?
Bucky: What belongs on the second.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second.
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: You got any in coffins?
Bucky: Oh yes!
Boris: The occupant=92s name?
Bucky: Why.
Boris: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Bucky: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Boris: Alright, then tell me who's in the coffin.
Bucky: Who is on the fir-
Boris: STAY OFF OF THE SLABS! I wanna know what's the name of the body in
the coffin.
Bucky: What's on the second slab.
Boris: I'm not askin' you who's on the second slab.
Bucky: Who's on the first.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: The guy in the coffin=92s name?
Bucky: Why.
Boris: Because!
Bucky: Oh, he's in the hearse.
Boris: Look, you gotta Mortician on this team?
Bucky: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a mortician.
Boris: The mortician's name.
Bucky: Tomorrow.
Boris: You don't wanna tell me today?
Bucky: I'm tellin' you now.
Boris: Then go ahead.
Bucky: Tomorrow.
Boris: What time?
Bucky: What time what?
Boris: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's the mortician?
Bucky: Now listen. Who is not the mortician. Who is on the fir-
Boris: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on the first slab. I wanna =
know
what's the mortician's name.
Bucky: What's on the second slab.
Boris: I don't know.
Bucky & Boris: THIRD SLAB!
Boris: You got a grave digger?
Bucky: Oh, absolutely.
Boris: The grave digger's name.
Bucky: Today.
Boris: Today. And Tomorrow's the mortician.
Bucky: Now you've got it.
Boris: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
Bucky: Well, I can't help that.
Boris: Well, I'm a grave digger too.
Bucky: I know that.
Boris: Now suppose that I'm digging a grave, Tomorrow's the mortician on =
my
team and our coroner shows up.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Tomorrow gets the body. The coroner logs in the body. When he wants =
to enbalm the body, me being a good grave digger, I wanna dig the grave =
for
the guy on the first slab. So I dig the grave for who?
Bucky: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Boris: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
Bucky: Well, that's all you have to do.
Boris: Is dig the grave for the guy on the first slab.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: For who?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: If I dig the grave for the body on the first slab, somebody's gotta =
go in it. Now who goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Who goes in?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: Who?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.
Bucky: NO, NO, NO! You dig the grave for the body on the first slab and =
Who
gets buried.
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: That's right. There we go.
Boris: So I dig the grave and I bury Naturally.
Bucky: You don't!
Boris: I bury who?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Bucky: You're not saying it that way.
Boris: I said I dig the grave for Naturally.
Bucky: You don't - you dig the grave for Who.
Boris: Naturally!
Bucky: Well, say that!
Boris: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I dig the grave for who?
Bucky: Naturally.
Boris: Ask me.
Bucky: You dig the grave for Who?
Boris: Naturally.
Bucky: That's it.
Boris: SAME AS YOU!! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab and who =
goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: Who goes in it?
Bucky: Naturally!
Boris: HE BETTER GO IN IT! I dig the grave for the guy on the first slab.
whoever it is gets lowered in it so I dig a grave for the guy on the
second, who's grave gets filled up with dirt from what, whats grave gets
filled up with dirt from I don=92t know. three for the price of one.
Bucky: Yes.
Boris: Another body comes in - it takes a long time to embalm him. Why?
Because. I don't know. He's on the third slab and I don't give a damn!
Bucky: What was that?
Boris: I said I don't give a damn!
Bucky: Oh, he=92s getting cremated.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Talking Boris- Who's on First- very long
From: "WebMistress"
Date: Sun, 12 Aug 2001 08:42:06 -0700 (PDT)
That's funny ... that would go with a sound clip I heard a long time ago =
... it was a creepy version of take me out to the ball game :)
Webby
--- "D Anello"
> wrote:
>When You mentioned about the Talking Boris and what you did with them it =
got
>me thinking....What about doing the Abbott & Costello "Who's on First" =
with
>a twist?
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Yellow Handled "Craft'? Knife
From: "Jack of Shadows"
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2001 20:11:22 -0700
>I have been searching for a bunch of the cheap knives that used to be
>everywhere in their little tub - about 3 for $1.00. Yellow plastic =
handle
>(sometimes another color), with a total size of about 6 inches. I need a
>number of them and can't find them anywhere. Have any of you seen them =
in
>your craft supply runs? Houseware shops used to carry them, too. Any =
help
>would be appreciated. Thanks. Katie
I'm familiar with the "knife with the black handle" (athame), and the
"knife with the white handle" (boline). But I've never encountered a
Craft "knife with the yellow handle".
--
- Shadowjack! :-)
- - - - -
Subject: Sam Hane, Occult Detective
From: "Debbie Valenta"
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 13:21:26 -0700
http://www.locksley.com/sam_hane/=20
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: OT - cemetery joke
From: "WebMistress"
Date: Fri, 10 Aug 2001 16:29:59 -0700 (PDT)
That reminds me of the old joke:
If a plane crashes on the boarder of the USA and Mexico, which country do =
you bury the survivers?
Webby
--- Josh Coen
> wrote:
>Cemetery, bodies, digging - it could be Halloween-related. Insert your
>favorite nationality, this is not meant to slam anyone!
>
>
>Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a
>small 2 seater plane crashed into a cemetery this
>morning. Polish search and rescue workers have
>recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that the number
>will climb as the digging continues into the night.
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Hall: Something for the haunted kitchen
From: "Bob Andrews"
Date: Sat, 11 Aug 2001 18:30:11 -0500
Uh, I'll be picking up dinner tonight....
Bob Andrews
the_boss@restin-petes.com
http://www.restin-petes.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "Catie Andrews"
To: "Halloween List"
Sent: Saturday, August 11, 2001 4:43 PM
Subject: Re: Hall: Something for the haunted kitchen
> Shoot you guys I grew up with a haunted kitchen. My folks ate scrambled
> brains and blood pudding for breakfast. Always has tongue and kidneys =
in
> the 'fridge and heads for soup. Ahhh the joys of having non american
> parents. Do I have stories......
- - - - -
Subject: Re: Funny story ( this is about you Bob Andrews
From: "Bob Andrews"
Date: Tue, 14 Aug 2001 09:43:36 -0500
This is funny! Yesterday, Karl sent me your URL!
Bob Andrews
the_boss@restin-petes.com
http://www.restin-petes.com
----- Original Message -----
From: "sblanck"
To: "Halloween List"
Sent: Monday, August 13, 2001 9:01 PM
Subject: Hall: Funny story ( this is about you Bob Andrews
> So I'm at work working of course and a the guy who donated his horse
> skeleton to me came over and gave me apictures he had printed off the =
net
of
> some carriages he found, I gave a quick glance and lo and behold it was
> stuff on Bob Andrews webpage ( restin@petes.com) I think
> is right. He says look at what I found for you. I look at him and say " =
I
> know this guy" we have trade e-mails about the carriage. " How do you =
know
> him ?" Well Birds of a feather flock together( or a vulture hehehehe)
> its a small world!!
> Sean Blanck
- - - - -